My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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