Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
