I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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