On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
