Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
