rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
