Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
