Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
