sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
