look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
