i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
