I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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