I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
