By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
