I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
