someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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