omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
