Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
