She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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