I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wear drunk well.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
