Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
