I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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