I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
being pregnant is like rehab
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So here I am, sexting at work.
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