alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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