remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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