I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
