Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
