he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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