I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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