Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My cat gives me a boner
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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