Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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