Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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