everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
