He asked to "fluff my boner.."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
