Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
