Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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