I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
