I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
