My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
