I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
