it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
