ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
