Tell her she can't have a vagina
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
