I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
