Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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