I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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