you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
