the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
