On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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