between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
