you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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