i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
