help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
